A Poem About What’s Wrong With Society

I think I’m finally in love

It’s just how they described

It’s what I have been dreaming of

For my entire life

 

I can’t take my eyes off his face

He’s beautiful and bright

My life before had a slower pace

So self-contained, finite

 

I can’t keep my hands off of him

And every time he speaks

I cater to his every whim

Even if I have to sneak

 

Some say this seems controlling

They say my love won’t be enough

But he needs me; I’m consoling

To help recharge when days are rough

 

What a love that money can buy!

I know I’ll never be alone

He is the apple of my eye

My wonderful iphone

Before I Throw My Computer Out the Window of a Fifteen Story Building, Maybe You Can Help Me

I’m ready to throw my computer out a window.  It will probably be out of a building at least fifteen stories high, because it’s much more dramatic that way.  Throwing a computer out of a one story building would be very anticlimactic.  It probably wouldn’t even break.  It would land safely in a bed of fluffy grass and look up and me like, “Na-na-na-boo-boo.”  So I’m first going to have to travel to a large city, take my computer to the top of a tall building, and THEN throw it out.  Then it will shatter everywhere into satisfying pieces, but it also might injure some passers-by.  Then I’ll have to deal with the criminal charges and/or the annoyance of knowing that my computer used its last bit of life to ruin someone else’s day in addition to mine.

OR…you could help me, and then I can avoid the technologically murderous rampage I just described.

I’m relatively new to this blogging thing (this baby blog isn’t even a year old!  We’re still on milk over here – it doesn’t even sleep through the night).  I’m trying to figure out how to work some things on WordPress, and it, erm, isn’t going well.  If you are able to answer one of the following questions for me, you could possibly save my computer.  Also, I will open my window and yell to the neighborhood, “I LOVE (your name here) BECAUSE (your name here) IS THE BEST PERSON EVER!”  I’ll really do that.  Scout’s honor.  Or I’ll yell whatever you want.  Dealer’s choice.  I just have to figure this crap out.

  • How do I add a button to my page?  I’ve recently been accepted to the Bipolar Bloggers’ Network (cheer!), and I’d love to put a button on my page for that.  Also, I’d love to trade buttons with other bloggers (I was a trading card guru back in the day – ask anyone who knew me in fifth grade.  I carried my binder around everywhere like the supernerd I was).  Trading buttons is basically like that except for grown-up and less bulky.
  • How do I make a button to represent my page?  I HAVE NOTHING TO TRADE.  This is awful.  Do I have to be a computer programmer to do that?  I didn’t do so well in my computer programming class in high school…but at least I didn’t make out with the class computer nerd in the back of his car to get him to write my programs (my best friend at the time did that, which she still claims was a good idea because she got an A in the class.  I guess people have prostituted themselves for less.  Maybe).
  • How do I make it so that followers will receive e-mails of my new posts?  A couple of my followers have asked me about this.  I know that on some other blogs when I clicked “follow,” I started automatically getting e-mail updates when they posted.  I want my followers to get this too so that I can lurk in inboxes all over the world like the creeper I aspire to be.  I know people who specifically sign up for e-mail can get them, but people who click “follow” are not getting e-mails.
  • What if people don’t want me lurking in their inboxes?  Is it annoying if I have posts e-mailed to my followers?  How do you feel about these bloggers?  I’d feel a little spammy, but at the same time it’s like, “If you don’t like me, don’t follow me.  Retreat back into your mundane, Hazel-free life.”  I won’t hate you.  Probably.  And you won’t care either way.
  • Why is your blog so much cuter than mine?  I have one of the standard blog formats, but it makes my blog feel a little amateur-y (which it is).  I want to be a cool blog, like yours where your title is all decorative and cool, you have a bunch of buttons (see question 1), and your design looks so fancy that you probably made out in the back of a computer nerd’s car to get him to make that for you.
  • How do I convince my husband that he should let us get a pug puppy?  Okay, this one isn’t directly related to WordPress, but it is still VERY IMPORTANT.  I wouldn’t have these technological rage issues if I could go play with my puppy, so therefore it is related.  Also, I could maybe train her to moderate comments for me, which would be very cool.

pug

Please help me out with these if you can…remember, I’ll scream whatever you want out my window!  I’m that desperate!  I’d even scream”VOTE FOR TRUMP!”  (Please don’t make me scream that…I don’t want to get egged.  Full disclosure: I might whisper scream that if you make me do that one.  I realize whisper screaming is cheating, but I just admitted here that I would do it, so now you can’t complain).

Thanks in advance!