Donald Trump and Library Porn

I have never been so nervous to go to the library as I was this week.

I’ll tell you what I was there to get, but you have to keep it a secret.  Promise?  Pinky swear? (Everyone knows you can’t break a pinky swear – you get seven years of bad luck or you grow warts or something.  It’s unpleasant.  Don’t mess with pinky swears).

Okay. *deep breath*  I was there to get…

Books by Donald Trump.

WAIT! HOLD ON! Don’t unfollow me and threaten to burn down my house or dismember my childhood teddy bears!  I want to read his books because, like it or not, he is going to be our next president.  I want to read these books for the same reason I wanted to read The Audacity of Hope when President Obama was elected.  If someone’s going to be running my country, I would like to hear what he has to say.  I feel like that’s responsible.  Plus, how can I complain intelligently if I don’t even understand someone’s views?

Okay.  There’s my defense.  NOW you can unfollow me, but you don’t know where I live and also I’ve hidden my teddy bears.  So ha.

If you’re still reading, I will tell you about my library excursion.

Our country is oddly hateful of people who support Trump at the moment. I certainly didn’t want to be on the receiving end of this venom simply for checking out a library book.  It doesn’t mean I like him, people!  I don’t like him at all!  It means that I want to be an informed citizen!

I reserved the books ahead of time, so when I went in I could basically grab and dash.  I went to the shelf where the holds are reserved, and I immediately saw my books with a big label on the side that said, “HILLBORO.”  I quickly looked left and right – had anyone I know seen this?  Was anyone watching now?  I was alone.  Grab the books and run!  EEEEEEEEEP!

I grabbed the books but put the titles facing toward me so that no other library patrons would mistakenly think I’m a Trump fan.  Then I saw that there was “About the Author” picture on the back of the book.  Eeek!  There’s no escaping his ridiculous hair!  Quick!  Turn around a different book! Good news: the blue book had no picture on the back.  I put that one in the front.

I hurried over to the self-checkout so I would not have to admit to a librarian what I was reading.  I felt weird about being this shifty, like I was checking out porn or something.  This made me wonder – do they have porn at the library?  They sell magazines…can you check out a Playboy?  That seems pretty disgusting, but hey – it’s 2016.  We live in a weird world.  Our country just elected Donald Trump.  Library porn is pretty low on the list of global concerns.

I’ve checked out books on bipolar disorder a bazillion times.  I think I’ve probably had every library book on the topic checked out.  I never got all shifty about checking those out.  But reading up on the new leader of the free world?  How embarrassing!  Obviously that’s a dumb way to feel, but this is a mental illness blog.  LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS!

Okay, so I was embarrassed about the book, but I did the self checkout and hustled out of the library like my coat was on fire (this is a phrase I’ve never quite understood, because everyone knows that if your coat is on fire you should stop, drop, and roll.  To clarify: I did not stop, drop, and roll with this book.  I left the library in a rushed manner).

Now I’m at home, and I’m getting ready to read my secret books that are so, so much less sexy than library porn.