My HSA Badge (and Other Perks of Adulting)

There’s a lady in my husband’s HR department who thinks I’m completely nuts.

To be fair, she isn’t wrong.

My husband recently started working for a company that has an HSA as part of the employee benefits package. Now, you probably already know what an HSA is, because you are a mature and financially savvy adult (which I am not). For anyone who doesn’t know…it’s a health savings account. Basically, his company puts money on a debit card that we can use to purchase health related things. HOW COOL IS THAT? It’s like free money to pay for the crap that you hate using your actual money for. Now I just need a GSA (grocery savings account), a CSA (car savings account), and a BOGFMIDLSA (Buying obligatory gifts for family members I don’t like savings account)

Anyway, because I’m on a ridiculous amount of pharmaceuticals, I figured I should learn how to use my new shiny HSA thingy to pay for them. I asked my husband, and he told me to call his HR department. That’s how I started chatting with Hayley.

Hayley is the type of person who probably laughed at some point in her life…but we can’t be sure about that, and it’s probably not ever going to happen again.

To be fair, I guess HSAs aren’t super hilarious.

So I called Hayley and asked her to explain the whole “HSA situation” to me. Where do I get the card? How does money get put on the card? How do I spend said money? Then she started talking about how we could put some money in from Andy’s paycheck that would then be tax free, and my mind was blown.

“Why didn’t I know about any of this?” I said on the phone. “They don’t cover this in school. You know what? There should be a class on adulting. It could cover all the things necessary to be an adult: HSAs, insurance, how to help your friends through a divorce, dealing with your in-laws, etc. That would be a great class, you know? I would take that class.”

“Ummm…sure,” said no-humor-Hayley. “That would be…cool.”

So then we talked about HSAs some more. Finally, after I learned all I needed to know about this magical card, I said, “Awesome, thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I think I’ve now earned my HSA badge.”

“Badge?” I could almost see her eyebrows raise even though we were on the phone.

“Yeah. The adulting class I told you about? We’re going to have vests. Like girl scouts. And I just got my HSA badge. Later today maybe I’ll change the oil on my car, and I could get a badge for that too. I’ll have tons of badges.”

“Okay…”

Not even a snicker.

I wanted to yell, “HAYLEY! I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT REAL BADGES! THIS IS A JOKE, EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD BE SO COOL IF I COULD ACTUALLY HAVE AN ADULTING VEST. I OBVIOUSLY CAN’T BECAUSE THE COST TO PRODUCE THE VEST AND EMBROIDER ALL THE BADGES WOULD BE COST PROHIBITIVE TO EARNING MY ‘FINANICALLY SAVVY’ BADGE, WHICH IS ONE I’VE BEEN AFTER FOR A WHILE!” But I didn’t say that because she clearly wouldn’t get it. Instead I just said, “Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Audi”

“Audi who?”

“ADIOS! HAHAHAHA.”

And then I hung up the phone.

Okay fine. I admit I didn’t do that knock knock joke. But I should have.

Come on, y’all. Who wouldn’t love a class on adulting? And badges for our adulting vests?? What badge would you want? Tell me in the comments. 😊

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