I haven’t seen the sun in weeks. WEEKS. I’m like a freaking hibernating bear, except I didn’t gain a bunch of weight before winter and I still have to pee every day.
Well, I did eat a lot of food at Thanksgiving… I might have gotten a little chunkier there… but since I’m still peeing, I’m not hibernating. That is official. So, since I’m not hibernating, WHERE IS THE SUN?!
Michigan winters are the worst. The. worst. There’s a permacloud that covers this state from November until around April, and at this point in time I am so over it. There’s no snow right now, there’s no sun…it’s simply gray. Everything’s gray. The naked trees are black silhouettes against a dull sky, and spring is nowhere in sight.
This is why seasonal affective disorder is a thing, people. Humans need the sun. I distinctly remember the last time we had a somewhat sunny day – it was a couple weeks ago (WEEKS). The sun peeked out from behind a cloud, and I literally stopped teaching, looked out my window, and said, “Amazing! It DOES exist! I had forgotten what it looked like! It’s so….shiny.” My class laughed, but I was only 98% joking.
It’s tough to keep my mood up when the weather is like this for weeks on end. I don’t feel like going outside (it’s freezing and gray), but being inside makes me feel cooped up. I realized lately that I haven’t wanted to write, and that is concerning. One of the first things that happens when I’m going into depression is that I stop wanting to do all of my favorite things. I’ve taken naps for the last three days in a row. I sleep sleep sleep and then wake up and think there’s really no point to getting out of bed anyway. I noticed that my lesson plan book has started having blank spots again where I forgot to make lessons. Eeeeeep! I don’t want to be depressed, but I feel like I’m watching a movie where all of the color slowly fades out of a picture until it’s black and white.
Come back, colors! I need you in my life! I guess a black and white picture is still okay, but it’s dangerous because a deep depression is where that black and white picture fades totally to black. Then I’m in serious trouble.
I keep telling myself it’s the weather. It’s gotta be the weather, right? I’ll be fine in spring. I’ll just live life in black and white for a while. It matches the landscape. I’ve always been a fan of matching.
Except you know what? I don’t LIKE black and white. I want my life to be colorful again. I want to wake up every morning being happy that I’m alive and feeling like, “Okay, I can do this day!” I don’t want to simply exist. As I said, though, it’s like watching the color fade from a picture. What can you do to get the color back? It just gets paler and paler and then it’s gone. I’m not entirely sure how to fight back here.
I wish I was a bear. Those lucky dudes get to skip winter altogether.