Gray

I haven’t seen the sun in weeks.  WEEKS.  I’m like a freaking hibernating bear, except I didn’t gain a bunch of weight before winter and I still have to pee every day.

Well, I did eat a lot of food at Thanksgiving… I might have gotten a little chunkier there… but since I’m still peeing, I’m not hibernating.  That is official.  So, since I’m not hibernating, WHERE IS THE SUN?!

Michigan winters are the worst.  The. worst.  There’s a permacloud that covers this state from November until around April, and at this point in time I am so over it.  There’s no snow right now, there’s no sun…it’s simply gray.  Everything’s gray.  The naked trees are black silhouettes against a dull sky, and spring is nowhere in sight.

This is why seasonal affective disorder is a thing, people.  Humans need the sun.  I distinctly remember the last time we had a somewhat sunny day – it was a couple weeks ago (WEEKS).  The sun peeked out from behind a cloud, and I literally stopped teaching, looked out my window, and said, “Amazing!  It DOES exist!  I had forgotten what it looked like!  It’s so….shiny.”  My class laughed, but I was only 98% joking.

It’s tough to keep my mood up when the weather is like this for weeks on end.  I don’t feel like going outside (it’s freezing and gray), but being inside makes me feel cooped up. I realized lately that I haven’t wanted to write, and that is concerning.  One of the first things that happens when I’m going into depression is that I stop wanting to do all of my favorite things.  I’ve taken naps for the last three days in a row.  I sleep sleep sleep and then wake up and think there’s really no point to getting out of bed anyway.  I noticed that my lesson plan book has started having blank spots again where I forgot to make lessons.  Eeeeeep!  I don’t want to be depressed, but I feel like I’m watching a movie where all of the color slowly fades out of a picture until it’s black and white.

Come back, colors!  I need you in my life!  I guess a black and white picture is still okay, but it’s dangerous because a deep depression is where that black and white picture fades totally to black.  Then I’m in serious trouble.

I keep telling myself it’s the weather.  It’s gotta be the weather, right?  I’ll be fine in spring.  I’ll just live life in black and white for a while.  It matches the landscape.  I’ve always been a fan of matching.

Except you know what?  I don’t LIKE black and white. I want my life to be colorful again.  I want to wake up every morning being happy that I’m alive and feeling like, “Okay, I can do this day!”  I don’t want to simply exist.  As I said, though, it’s like watching the color fade from a picture.  What can you do to get the color back?  It just gets paler and paler and then it’s gone.  I’m not entirely sure how to fight back here.

I wish I was a bear.  Those lucky  dudes get to skip winter altogether.

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19 thoughts on “Gray

  1. I don’t know your weather. I live in sunny, HOT, Texas. I long for cold, gray skies. I have the inability to be in the sun, I break out in red itchy bumps, not considered the hives, but probably caused by the medications I take. It is hard on a nature loving woman not to get to go fishing, so on my bucket list is to someday go ice fishing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow, you must be really in tune to know exactly when your brain clicks over. Mine is more gradual until suddenly I realize, “Oh shit, this feels familiar.”

      I want to see the video! Where is the link?

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  2. Just move to southern california … easier said than done, but I get SAD really bad in the winter…and nyc isnt half as bad as mich… so if you can, move to San Diago… and enjoy life in the sun. Also, I take one or two weekend trips in the winter somewhere warm, to get the sun we miss… i soak it up for 2-3 days which helps my stress…usually to florida, where trips are cheap in the winter. good luck.

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    • I would LOVE to move out of Michigan. The main issue is that my husband is an avid grouse hunter (and “avid” is an understatement). Guess where the best grouse populations in the country live? Michigan. Guess where grouse don’t live? Anywhere warm. Boooooo.

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  3. I don’t know if my depression is related to SAD or not, but I’m inclined to say not since these color fades to grays happens pretty much year round for me. :/ But I totally believe SAD is real and it really sucks! Be sure to watch your color scheme! If you start heading towards all black, reach out for help! You’re worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

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