Last week I had an MRI to check on my brain tumor. I’ve recently named my tumor “Bob the Brian Blob,” because we’ve been together for a few years now and I feel like the little dude deserves a name. Plus, it’s easier to channel my anger when I’m mad about it. Debilitating headache? “Damn it, Bob! Cut it out!” More pills to take? “Let’s raise a glass to you, Bob.” I really think Bob and I should break up because our relationship isn’t very healthy, but he’s one of those guys who’s very difficult to ghost. We’re pretty deeply attached.
Anyway, the doctor wanted some pictures of Bob, so I went in for this MRI. I hate MRIs. “Wait,” I hear my mother saying. “Hate is such a strong word.”
You’re right, Mom. *ahem* I HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE MRIs!! HATE HATE HATE HATE.” For real.
What I would like to know is why, in the year 2016, we have not found an easier way to take pictures of my brain. When I get an MRI, it feels like I’m being stuffed in a Pringle can. My head is locked into a cage that feels like a strange football helmet, and then they slide me into this skinny slot in a machine that surrounds my body on all sides. It makes me wonder if I would be able to escape if the building started burning down and the technicians ran away and forgot about me. Probably yes, but you never really know. Look at this thing:
DO YOU SEE THE OBVIOUS RESEMBLANCE? I’M A FREAKIN CHIP.
I feel like Apple really should have made an app for this by now. There are apps for almost everything. Don’t believe me? There’s an app called “Carrr Matey” that helps you navigate to your lost car by giving you directions in a pirate voice. There’s an app called “Run and Pee” that tells you all of the most boring parts in movies so that you know when to take a bathroom break. Humanity has teams developing apps for those things, but none for pictures of brains?
Okay actually, forget apps. There should be a snapchat filter for this. No thanks on the dog tongue or the face swap – let’s use an x-ray filter that lets me see inside my body. Smile, Bob! Time for a selfie!
Basically, this is my official complaint to the technological masterminds of America. I don’t care if I miss an exciting part in a movie – maybe I shouldn’t have ordered the large slushie. I can find my own car. I don’t need to swap faces. Please just find a way to take pictures of Bob without forcing people to pop me in a Pringle can for an hour. I don’t like it.