Right now I’m watching a YouTube video of a screechy person opening troll doll toys. I’m sitting with my three-year-old niece, and this is one of her favorite “shows.” It’s not a show. It’s a person opening toys. The voice is…how can I describe this? Think of the high-pitched voice that people use when they talk to babies, but then raise it another octave, make it way too excited, and then put it on the living room surround sound.
“THE NEW TROLL DOLLS ARE OUT! AAAEEEEEEEE! WHICH ONE WILL WE OPEN? OOOO! LET’S LOOK AT THIS FASHION GIRL, WHO HUGS ALL OF HER FRIENDS EVERY HOUR ON THE HOUR!”
I’m sorry, are the excessive capital letters annoying you? I promise it sounds a thousand times worse if you’re listening to it.
Also, whose brilliant idea was it to make a character who hugs all of her friends every hour on the hour? If anyone tries to hug me at three o’clock in the morning, they’re probably going to get punched or kicked. Ask my husband if you don’t believe me.
Hold on, we have a new toy:
“WOWIE ZOWIE! LOOK AT THIS NEW NAKED GLITTER TROLL!”
To be fair, if my skin was glitter I would probably be naked all the time too.
I’m supposed to be getting work done right now, but I can’t tear my eyes off of this spectacle. My face is a mix or horror and intrigue. This video, my friends, has almost a million views. A MILLION. Apparently this is a whole channel dedicated to buying toys and opening them. This culture of three-year-old consumerism is completely new to me.
Oh no, the one year old is trying to plug the laptop cord into his mouth. Gotta go.
In case you want to view the horror for yourself, I’m putting the link here. Warning: if you open this at work, make sure no one else is around. Everyone who hears you watching this video is going to think you’re a freak.