I have never been so nervous to go to the library as I was this week.
I’ll tell you what I was there to get, but you have to keep it a secret. Promise? Pinky swear? (Everyone knows you can’t break a pinky swear – you get seven years of bad luck or you grow warts or something. It’s unpleasant. Don’t mess with pinky swears).
Okay. *deep breath* I was there to get…
Books by Donald Trump.
WAIT! HOLD ON! Don’t unfollow me and threaten to burn down my house or dismember my childhood teddy bears! I want to read his books because, like it or not, he is going to be our next president. I want to read these books for the same reason I wanted to read The Audacity of Hope when President Obama was elected. If someone’s going to be running my country, I would like to hear what he has to say. I feel like that’s responsible. Plus, how can I complain intelligently if I don’t even understand someone’s views?
Okay. There’s my defense. NOW you can unfollow me, but you don’t know where I live and also I’ve hidden my teddy bears. So ha.
If you’re still reading, I will tell you about my library excursion.
Our country is oddly hateful of people who support Trump at the moment. I certainly didn’t want to be on the receiving end of this venom simply for checking out a library book. It doesn’t mean I like him, people! I don’t like him at all! It means that I want to be an informed citizen!
I reserved the books ahead of time, so when I went in I could basically grab and dash. I went to the shelf where the holds are reserved, and I immediately saw my books with a big label on the side that said, “HILLBORO.” I quickly looked left and right – had anyone I know seen this? Was anyone watching now? I was alone. Grab the books and run! EEEEEEEEEP!
I grabbed the books but put the titles facing toward me so that no other library patrons would mistakenly think I’m a Trump fan. Then I saw that there was “About the Author” picture on the back of the book. Eeek! There’s no escaping his ridiculous hair! Quick! Turn around a different book! Good news: the blue book had no picture on the back. I put that one in the front.
I hurried over to the self-checkout so I would not have to admit to a librarian what I was reading. I felt weird about being this shifty, like I was checking out porn or something. This made me wonder – do they have porn at the library? They sell magazines…can you check out a Playboy? That seems pretty disgusting, but hey – it’s 2016. We live in a weird world. Our country just elected Donald Trump. Library porn is pretty low on the list of global concerns.
I’ve checked out books on bipolar disorder a bazillion times. I think I’ve probably had every library book on the topic checked out. I never got all shifty about checking those out. But reading up on the new leader of the free world? How embarrassing! Obviously that’s a dumb way to feel, but this is a mental illness blog. LET ME FEEL MY FEELINGS!
Okay, so I was embarrassed about the book, but I did the self checkout and hustled out of the library like my coat was on fire (this is a phrase I’ve never quite understood, because everyone knows that if your coat is on fire you should stop, drop, and roll. To clarify: I did not stop, drop, and roll with this book. I left the library in a rushed manner).
Now I’m at home, and I’m getting ready to read my secret books that are so, so much less sexy than library porn.