I have independence issues. The fist full sentence I said as a toddler was “I’ll do it myself.” Seriously. That’s probably where it all started… *lies down on a therapy couch to discuss these issues*
Having a mental illness (or any serious illness) tends to rob people of independence. If I think a train is about to crash through my wall and I’m running away in panic…yeah, someone’s going to have to help me out with that. If I’ve got a stubborn brain tumor that keeps growing even though it has way overstayed it’s welcome in my head…I’m going to need help with that too. Hand over the drugs because I can’t, in fact, shrink it myself. I’ve tried to Jiminy Cricket or Cinderella this sucker and dream with all my heart that it will go away…but DISNEY LIES.
Anyway, I think because of all of my medical crap and my loose grip on reality, I am always fighting to feel like a normal, respected human. Maybe I’m even fighting to respect myself. *puts arm on head dramatically as I lounge on the therapy couch* The other day, I think I went a little too far.
I was walking out of Wal-Mart. The sign on the door said “DO NOT EXIT THROUGH THIS DOOR.” My honest-to-blog thought was, “Eff you, Wal-Mart. You can’t tell me what to do. It’s a DOOR. I’ll go through any door I please!” It’s not like it was a secret door to an employees only section; it was a clear automatic door leading to outside. There is no reason why I shouldn’t have been allowed to use that door. Wal-Mart was just trying to keep me down! One more reason to hate Wal-Mart!
So I walked through the door. No sirens went off, and no one stopped me. I simply walked through, and I was outside. Then I thought, “HA! See, Wal-Mart? You can’t control me! I WILL DO WHATEVER I WANT!” I felt jubilant. I felt triumphant. Then I felt like a complete weirdo and thought, “Holy wow, I AM crazy.”
Maybe life is about the little things… I can’t avoid taking pills, I can’t avoid my tumor, but I can stick it to Wal-Mart. I can be independent and rebellious on tiny things, and if that helps me avoid being rebellious on bigger things, then I say whatever. Bring on the wrong door.