There’s a chance I cured cancer and I don’t know it. On a darker note, I also could have robbed a bank and I don’t know it. The chance of either is extreeeeeeemely small, but we’ll never know because I have complete memory loss about what happened from early September to the middle of October last fall.
I knew last fall was fuzzy in my memory, but who doesn’t have a hard time remembering things from a year ago? I told my husband I am excited for this fall, because I was so mentally jacked last fall that I feel like I skipped it. It’s the best season in Michigan. I didn’t realize until this week, though, how complete my blackout of that month is. Now I’m a little freaked out.
This week is professional development week at school. Professional development week is when teachers sit around in mostly pointless meetings and discuss things about the upcoming school year. This conversation happened yesterday:
Mr. T: Should we do the raking leaves field trip again this year? The one where we take the students to rake leaves for elderly people?
Me: That sounds like fun…but we didn’t do that last year. You must be remembering a different year.
Mr. T: Ummm…we definitely did that last year.
Me: No, I would remember that.
Mrs. S: Hazel, you were a driver for the field trip.
Me: No I wasn’t! *laughs nervously* No way. You’re messing with me. We didn’t do that field trip.
*everyone on staff looks at me like I’m crazy (which, you know, I am…BUT THEY DON’T KNOW THAT)*
Me: No way. *stops laughing, looks around nervously* Wait, really? Are you serious?
All staff: YES.
Me: Huh. I don’t remember that.
*everyone looks at me like I’m crazy again*
I cannot believe I forgot a field trip. I tried really hard to remember, but I have literally no recollection of this. Ask any teacher about the work that goes into a field trip, and they’ll tell you that there’s no way they could forget one, especially not one from last year.
That was a little creepy, so I decided to consult my lesson plan book and see if I at least have note of this field trip somewhere. I keep very detailed lesson plans, so if we had a field trip, it would have been in my book. I grabbed my lesson plan book from last year, turned to last fall, and guess what I found?
I could hardly believe my eyes. I had weeks between mid September and mid October where the entire week was blank. I teach six classes five days a week. That’s thirty little white squares staring at me with invisible question marks. What did I do? What did I teach? Why aren’t there any plans? Why can’t I remember anything from last fall?
The couple weeks in that period that did have things written had haphazard, half-baked lesson plan ideas written in only a few of the squares. I have no clue what I taught. It was so eerie…I never leave lesson plans blank. I didn’t know I did that. I don’t remember.
I know that last September was the deepest depression of my life, ending with a suicide attempt at the end of the month and a subsequent emergency psychiatric evaluation that resulted in a bipolar diagnosis. I guess it’s logical that I wasn’t on my A-game at school, but I didn’t know I had done nothing. I didn’t know I would forget field trips that I apparently chaperoned. I tried to remember other things from this period: what was my first day of school like? Can I remember the leaves changing? Did I go to any football games?
I can’t remember any of it.
Isn’t that super creepy? What if I did something awesome or awful? I have no idea. Has this ever happened to any of you, readers? Do you have an explanation? It’s like people who get drunk and can’t remember the night before, but I got crazy and can’t remember an entire month. I suppose, in the grand scheme of life, losing a month isn’t that bad. It’s not like a remember anything about my first thirty-six months. I haven’t lost any sleep over that. I hear it was a lot of bottles and diapers.
This one’s weird. I haven’t had anything like this happen before. I told Andy I was planning to blog about this, and he said, “Are you sure you want to write about that?” I asked why I shouldn’t. He said, “People who read that might think you’re…you know…a bit insane.” They say that if the shoe fits, wear it. Call me Cinderella to the glass slipper of madness.
If you’ve been reading this blog at all, you already know I’m a total nutter. This one post isn’t going to make things better or worse. Like Andy, you have the choice to stay or to leave. He chose to stay. I hope you do too. Then again, if you choose to desert me…no big deal. I might not even remember it.