When kids play games, they usually play school or house. They rarely play pharmacy. I’ve actually never seen anyone play pharmacy. Maybe that is because it’s not very fun.
Lately I’ve felt like I am playing pharmacy. I have an impressive collection of bottles that almost completely covers the navy blue tiles of my bathroom counter. There are fat bottles, skinny bottles, orange bottles, blue bottles… (Where was the Dr. Seuss book about this? MISSED OPPORTUNITY). Every night and every morning, I pick up each bottle and take “one of these, two of these, a half of this one…” etc. It takes forever.
If any pharmacies in the area are robbed, I hope no police officers check my bathroom. I’d be a person of interest faster than you can say Xanax. They might just skip the questions and arrest me on the spot. No one could possibly have that many legal pills (right?). It doesn’t help that some doctors give me three months of a prescription at a time, so then I have stupid amounts of pills lying around even if I’m only taking one or two per day.
I’ve been resisting the inevitable, but I think it’s finally time: I’m going to have to do pills granny style.
When my grandma was alive, my mom used to go to her house every Monday morning at 9:00 AM to “do her pills.” That meant taking grandma’s personal pharmacy of pills and sorting them into easy-open compartments separated by day and time of day so that when grandma had to take her pills, it was just POP! – open the plastic flap and there you go. All of the pills in one easy spot. She didn’t have to play counter top pharmacy games every day. Her pill container looked like this:
Now, that is very handy and nice for grandmas, but I’ve always felt like you should hold a genuine AARP card before needing to buy one of those. I’ve told myself, “No problem. I’ll just sort out the pills as I take them. Not a big deal.” The problem is that we have a beautiful bathroom counter top, and I CAN’T EVEN SEE MOST OF IT. Plus, when I’m trying to dispense my own pills at 6:30 AM, half the time I’m still all bleary with Einstein hair and feeling angry at the world for existing so early. I’ll frequently pour too many pills or accidentally drop one or two on the floor (then subsequently put them back in the bottle because – hello – ten second rule, and also it’s too early to think about germs).
Basically, it’s time to bite the bullet and go granny-style with pills. It will save me a lot of time, it will clear counter space, and I’ll stop accidentally eating dog hair from my bathroom floor. I started shopping on Amazon for a good pill container, and I tried to find a hip, non-ancient-person looking one. I tell you, fashionable pill containers do not exist. Why can’t being crazy also be kind of cute?! This is unfair. I’m going to create a line of stylish pill containers, and all of my mentally-awesome blog friends will buy them. I’ll sell them to psychiatrists for distribution. This could catch on, y’all.
Until then, I’ll use a dumb granny-looking one. I’ve decided I’m also going to put a gummy bear in each pocket. I hate taking pills, but I feel like I can’t possibly be that mad when I open the container and see, “Hey look! A gummy bear!”
Wait a second, that’s kind of like when my parents used candy to potty train my sister, isn’t it? I am using candy to make myself form positive habits. Oh boy. I’m a granny, but I’m also two years old. Faaaantastic. My life is strange.
Here’s to you, Grandma K. Let’s rock these drugs old-school style. Maybe I’ll even do my pills on Mondays just to be like you.